newest entry 2001-08-02 10:37 a.m.

My world-beatin', can-do, go-gettin', detail-oriented entrepreneurial hellcat self of last week has been temporarily replaced with the lame-ass self-doubter misanthrope aquaplanothrope of yore.

I peaked out on Tuesday afternoon, I think. Rent was due on Wednesday morning, and I had spent two weeks previous to that really meditating on abundance and prosperity...I took action, too: hanging up flyers for my private instruction, following through with phone calls and research and more flyers and more phone calls, etc. I also gave my all to yoga, to my personal practice and to the yamas and niyamas (ethics and observances), etc.

I felt like I was living the way I'd meant to be living when I decided back in '99 to get certified to teach. And on Tuesday afternoon, I was flying: "I can do this!" I'd made as much money that week from teaching as I had when I was working at my boring secretarial job on Wall Street. I felt great physically (I even lost a little weight this week), and emotionally. I felt very close to my spiritual self and yet fully human and compassionate at the same time.

Then...then what? It started slipping on Tuesday night. I taught my Tuesday night class, and though it was pretty nice, it wasn't the best work I've ever done. My class was half the size as last week's (not unusual, and not a significantly small class, but...). The woman who runs the yoga center, whose class is before mine, was a little distant and unfriendly (a trend these days) and that put me off, cuz I always assume that when someone is unfriendly, it's because of something I did wrong. Then I called my husband from the yoga center to see if he wanted to go out and maybe do something in town, and his reply was lethargic and non-committal....and that's when my mood started getting darker.

I wanted to celebrate my week of solvency, and I felt that his indifference was hurtful. I came home and went straight to my computer and ignored him for the rest of the evening. Then when I went to bed, I told him how hurt I was, and we had a big long exasperating "talk"/fight which left me in tears and him very tired.

I tried to stay open to what I was feeling rather than shut down or get angry, and on that score I was successful, but it still is never fun to have a fight. We made up.

Then another expected source of $$$ did not come through, and I ended up borrowing money from....a mysterious order to get by til next week, so my "solvency" isn't technically a reality. (Although I am grateful I have friends who trust me enough to lend me money).

And then last night I taught my Wednesday night buncha-girls-in-Bay-Ridge, and there was a weird vibe. Last week they had been so into it, and this week, they seemed a little more skeptical somehow. I felt like I represented all things yogic to them, and they weren't having it, and thus I let down the entire 4,000 year old tradition.

I dunno, this will all blow over....and at heart I do still feel pretty confident, but I know I need more training in order to be a better, more versatile teacher, and right now, today, I just feel rather puny.

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