newest entry 2002-03-26 8:20 a.m.

Coming to You Live from Aquaplane's Thorax

(don't read this if you're uncomfortable with goopy emotional stuff)

For whatever reason, I woke up this morning feeling emotionally insecure, and I figured that instead of ignoring the feeling or trying to positive-think my way out of it, I'd stay with the sensations and see where they take me. it is and here I am. What does insecurity feel like? It's a rotten, anxious feeling in the core of the body, the viscera. My heart aches a little, and it's hard to breathe. When I breathe into the chest it makes me want to cry, but it also feels better to breathe deeply.

What's behind the fear? My insecurity usually has something to do with not feeling adequate or competent and/or not being accepted by others. In fact, the feelings kicked into high gear when something came up this morning that made me question my competence.

I also have a lot of fear around the issue of being respected. I know why I feel this (old family stuff), but my task right now is to get through it without shutting down and acting self-destructively.

This is fun! I'm feeling all this lousy stuff and it's not upsetting. In fact, the feelings are dissolving a bit, and I feel really alive. Instead of clenching up around the feeling of anxiety, I feel open, and I can still sense the entire world around me. In other words, I feel like a whole creature who happens to be having these anxious feelings, rather than being a tight little isolated knot of pain. I guess this is called perspective.

I did a web-search on "insecurity" and up popped all these sites about homeland security, apartment security, etc., which also put things in the proper perspective.

OK, this was a good experiment, thanks for coming along on my emotional voyage. Hope it was helpful for you, reader of Diary.

In other news, AMA and I have begun watching the BBC production of I, Claudius on video (it helps to have a membership with Netflix, the rules of which allow you to keep videos for as long as you like). It's very good...and it makes me feel nostalgic for Masterpiece Theater, which my parents used to watch faithfully. (I see it's still on TV! I had no idea!)

previous entry

next entry

latest entry


write to me

hosted by

powered by