Self-pity is an underrated and widely misunderstood emotional state. I intend to write a book or pamphlet or jingle about this, if this millennial year doesn't, in fact, turn out to be the last one for the human race.

Also, I'd like to describe some behavior of mine. Is this normal? Every few weeks, we get a J. Crew catalog in the mail. My heart zings, and I say, "huzzah!". I bring it in, and with great earnestness read the thing from cover to cover. Then I throw it out, knowing that there is nothing in there that :