newest entry 2002-06-03 9:32 a.m.

I had a long dream just before waking up that I was working at Lehman Brothers again, for the same banker. It's a recurring anxiety dream. Lehman Brothers was such an integral and symbolic part of my life, and for all the wrong reasons, for the 5 years I was there. In my eyes they were the unforgiving and insurmountable patriarchy (until they made every day casual day in mid-2000).

Although working there allowed me to pay my rent, learn some computer stuff, and be in air conditioning in the summer (!), I was always scheming about my big escape. I felt sheepish about having such a slacker job. In hindsight, I recognize that the job provided stability and routine in my otherwise youth-quakey twenties. I moved around a lot, and that place was my most consistent address.

I was a secretary, basically, and all my efforts to try and get promoted to something more interesting and useful never panned out. This was partially due to my own lack of focus (my first commitment was to my band and my other projects) and partially because it almost never happens that someone makes the leap from support staff to management--LB is just not that kind of a company.

I made a couple of friends while I was there--including one unfortunate episode with a seemingly nice guy who turned out to be a bit of a stalker--but I haven't kept up more than a casual e-mail acquaintance with anyone. In the end my co-workers and I didn't have enough in common to sustain real friendships.

I still fantasize occasionally that I could go back to having another job that required very little thought, in a beautiful setting on the river with access to coffee and muffins. In some ways, it would solve a lot of problems. But beyond than that, it would be like moving back in with mom and dad.

Here's a news story I have heard nothing about!

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