Woke up this morning with a pin-prick sensation in my left elbow. In my half-asleep logic I attributed this to--of course!--deadly floating stingers of anthrax let loose like cotton seeds by the enemy. Avenging Monkey Angel slept soundly beside me.
For the first time in my life, I feel like death is a possibility at any moment. Why not? Just like thousands of others, I could easily have been at the WTC when it got hit. I could have been temping like Darren. I could have been on my way to TriBeCa to teach a private class to one of the two clients I have there. That morning I had considered going to Chelsea Piers for a free ashtanga workshop, led by Patabhi Jois, which would have meant traipsing through the Wall Street area at precisely the time the panic ensued.
Nothing feels important anymore. My musical ambitions: ridiculous. Hatha yoga: helpful but not life-saving.
I wonder about this Holy War. Is this the raving of a madman, or is there some basis for it? Is our multicultural, secular society what God wants, or what our ego's want? (I'm just asking, I'm not suggesting an answer). Is peace on earth the natural order of things? Isn't there plenty of violence in nature? There are just so many questions. My first response is always, "peace...peace...peace..." but my second response is to think critically and admit that we don't always see the big picture.
A little time has elapsed since I wrote that. My nerves are a little less jangled now. I may not know what the grand scheme of things is, but I can continue to serve. Service feels right no matter what. It's my self-centered thinking and fear that keeps me confused and depressed.
And speaking of service, N.Y. Cares is creating relationships with the relief effort, and, through them, it will soon be easier to volunteer to help the clean-up/recovery even if you're not skilled and can't make a huge commitment. Check out their website, make a few calls. I love N. Y. Cares. They do a lot of good and their whole mission (creating volunteer opportunities for busy people) comes from such a realistic and nonjudgmental place.
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